A Healthy View

I don’t like the term “mental illness”.

That label makes it sound like there is something inherently wrong with a person.

Each person has their unique interpretation of the world.

Some people feel deeply. They are moved to despair when they see how many people are treated as though they have little to no worth.

Why would someone treat anyone as though they are worthless?

Some people day dream or ruminate about the big questions in life. Why are we are here? What is the point of all of this? Where are we heading as a species?

Anyone with observation skills has a lot to think about.

Then there are the trickier manifestations of coping (usually in response to some sort of trauma or deep realization) such as hallucinations, delusions, and dissociative states.

Anyone who deviates from imposed ways of thinking and being, who finds it difficult to be part of a society so polarized, so heavily influenced, that the majority of people live as though they’re asleep, is labeled as mentally ill.

From what I can see, the way we view the world gives us clues about what to look at more closely. It presents ideas to explore, paths to take, to find that peace and find our way back to reclamation. 

Reclaiming our own thoughts and actions (taking responsibility) and putting ourselves into the world in a meaningful way.

I’m not saying that it’s easy. Suffering is never easy. But by looking at your symptoms as clues, rather than illness, you can begin investigating the parts of your life that need attention.

Healing starts with you and me. Heal yourself, heal society.

Trauma and Body Disconnection

One of my biggest challenges is feeling at home in my body.

In my early years, I was scared nearly to death many times. There were times when I lost consciousness due to being unable to breathe. 

Being assaulted, it is my very Being being thrown, pulled, pushed, cracked, smashed, held down, and flung about.

My body, my soul, my mind. Violated. Violently.

I’ve never felt safe or comfortable since then.

I felt separate from my body, because if I couldn’t identify with my body, that made the crime less personal. It made it okay to exist again, just in a limited capacity. 

I get body sensation flashbacks at night. 

For the longest time, these scared me into staying disconnected.

I’ve been disconnected for so long that I experience a lot of pain when I do ground myself more in my body.

It’s time for me to feel well, to be well, so I am taking actions in that direction.

When moving my body, I pay attention to my musculature. When I have body sensations, I take note and try to make sense of what I feel.

I imagine it’s a bit like being a newborn, being new to the physical experience, figuring out what sensations mean.

Sleep Deprivation

I have insomnia and have been taking meds to help for the last few years. I tend to get about 6-7 hours total with meds. But every so often, my mind is just unstoppable and I average 3-4 hours of sleep per night.

In the past, I’ve always noted how I felt in relation to the lack of sleep in terms of mood, but not in body or spirit.

It’s been probably 2 or 3 weeks of restlessness now. 

My days and weeks start running together at this point (more so than usual).

My body feels light and warm. It’s almost like I can feel the space between molecules in my body. I feel the softness of my skin, fat, and organs. I feel how my muscles move. I feel aware of my bones and every little sensation that passes through me.

I really feel the soreness in my hips, pelvis, and low back. Remnants of an agony long gone. I feel the old injuries in my knees and ankles. There’s a sadness in my body, within the pain I feel.

I find myself melding into my surroundings. I feel peace and I take joy in observing those around me. My mind is open to the ideas, experiences, and behavior of others. I look on with a sense of wonder and intrigue.

There’s a feeling of exhaustion. I take a low dose of bupropion in the morning, which feels like artificial energy. It keeps my body moving and alert even though I am sleepy. 

This state of action during exhaustion makes my body feel like a puppet or a shell that I am using to interact with the world.

Spiritually, psychologically, I am in observer mode most of the time. 

Observe, analyze, question, observe, analyze, theorize, observe some more…

There’s a wanting. I want to see our species change course for the better. It isn’t a need. Humanity can and will do whatever it chooses to do, regardless of what I want. I have made peace with that.

There’s this abundance of love in my soul, to the point that it hurts at times, for there is no one person to love and reciprocate that love.

I am having a deep appreciation of this experience of Life. 

Most of the universe is empty space, and most of the planets in space are devoid of Life. It truly is wonderful and amazing to exist at all. 

I appreciate duality in our existence. I understand the balance and the spectrum in which we live. 

That’s where I am currently.

How I Think Matters

I’ve lost 100 lbs in the past 2-3 years from simply changing the way I view my dietary needs and decisions.

Often times, I would choose my diet based on pleasure or comfort. So if I was stressed, I might be sipping soda all day.

I attempted to quit soda a few times in the past, without success. I was looking at it as something I liked and was giving up. 

Also, I would get terrible headaches from soda withdrawal. I went so far as to replace soda with coffee, thinking it was the caffeine. However, it was not.

Finally, I was able to kick that bad habit when I viewed it as a health decision. I am at the point in my life where I want to respect my body and do what makes sense health-wise.

I listen to my body now. I recognize that a lot of products make me feel unwell and that isn’t something I want to do to myself. 

Now that I understand the consequences of consuming certain things, I am more mindful of what I put into my body.

I know most people have that sense to begin with, but bad dietary habits can be learned early on and they can be hard to break. I think maltreatment of the body is also symptomatic of being disconnected from the body. It isn’t intentional, but more of just an unconscious way of being.

Change takes time, patience, and a change in view.

Feeling Robbed of Identity

The things that I have experienced early in life have left me feeling disconnected from my own life. I hesitate to look in the mirror, because all I see is a shade of the person I once was. There’s no resemblance of anything any more. 

I don’t understand how I can be so full of hurt and still feel void at the same time.  Maybe it’s some sort of resistance to change because I have been living in fear for so long. 

The components of my life now seem to be: 1. Fear. I’m in constant fight / flight/ freeze mode which is draining. It affects my ability to sleep and to relax enough to enjoy myself. 2. Love. I think I have love for my partner, but I feel disconnected. 3. Thinking. I’ve been processing thoughts and feelings nonstop. I’m unraveling who I am so I can build myself back up with a better foundation. 4. Stuckness. Been feeling stuck in life and with my progress. I have trouble sticking with plans, especially ones that involve years of time. 

I’m taking things one day at a time. I’m trying to maintain some semblance of order through maintaining certain social connections and trying a different approach to my situation (namely, not judging myself or shaming myself). 

I am surviving so far by living out of the suitcase most of the time. It’s nice to be able to crash on couches, but at the same time, relying on others causes me distress. 

What am I even doing with my life? I’m tired of just surviving. I want to thrive and this existence feels like it’s killing my soul. So back to square one. Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? This just isn’t cutting it any more.