Awakening / Enlivening

My interpretation: The heart is still in the chest cavity, indicating there is still a capacity for love. However, it is disconnected from pumping blood through the body, representing there is nothing more to bleed and also signifying a disconnection from the body.

The gaping hole represents an emptiness where there should be human connection. The hole is still raw to represent the suffering this causes.

Because of this emptiness, chakra energy, life energy is able to transmute the suffering into something good and usable.


The Empty Space (mental exercise)

Imagine that your body is weightless and you’re slowly drifting away from the earth. As you leave the atmosphere, the moon is getting closer and you are basking in her illumination. You feel so close to the moon, you could almost touch it–not with your hand, but with your consciousness. You are getting comfortable, the moonlight causing a warm, tingling sensation in your very being.

An even warmer sensation grabs your attention from the side. You slowly turn as you are riding the current of Earth’s gravity, and you begin to witness a sun rise in a way that was never possible before…unobstructed like a planet.

The light had started off as a hint, as a trickle, as just the tiniest glow. As your turn gains momentum, you feel the pull of the earth, a small tug from the moon (it feels like a a goodbye wave), you are flooded with the light of the sun. 

You can’t see anything other than the light, and are enveloped in it’s warmth and glory. All of your earthly worries melt away and you feel unburdened. 

Feeling free and wonderful, you let out a sigh of relief.

You hear and feel a low rumble, and wonder if that was your sigh or the universe. 

Something has changed.

Now it is dark. 

The warmth is gone.

It feels cold and empty everywhere. You feel completely alone.

You lose track of time in your aloneness.

Eternity exists in this moment.

You hear and feel that rumble of the universe again. 

You’ve been alone so long, that you are unsure if that rumble is the universe or yourself. 

All of your attention focuses on the rumble. Within the humming sound, you hear music. 

You can’t tell what that instrument is at first. Maybe it’s a harp? 

You listen more and there is a discernable rhythm. You lean in closer and can hear a brass section join in. 

The more you behold, the more you are moved. This indescribably beautiful music has come from the Nothingness and you are moved. You absorb the music and the awe of it all.

Bask in it. Take it in. 

When you are ready, you gently resume being your physical self, feeling lighter and having a better grasp on your own interpretation of reality. You are calmer. You are wiser. You are at peace with the light and the darkness in your life. You feel rejuvenated and ready to deal with the tasks at hand.

Purpose of Rumination

When people think of rumination, they tend to think of dwelling on the past or thinking negative thoughts. However, rumination can also be experienced as philosophical inquiry. 

I tend to “ruminate” as clinical literature refers to it. I hop on a train of thought, removing myself from the equation, and explore the patterns in human history and behavior. I look at the nature of reality, how perception is everything, and on and on. 

In clinical literature, rumination is considered an illness. It is thought to be a waste of time with nothing to show for it. I beg to differ. 

Through these thoughts, I’ve developed a sort of morality and philosophy that I otherwise wouldn’t have. I’ve faced many ugly truths in my life and as I deal with my own pain, I feel compelled to heal the society which created it. 

The more I examine the patterns in human behavior throughout history, the more I understand where we are at right now as a species. 

So, to me, the way I think is a blessing. It has seen me through hard times and has helped me come out with more insight and humility. As I develop more as a human being, I want to put good into the world. 

Maybe people could benefit from a bit of rumination. 🙂

Layers Upon Layers

As any person who grew up in an abusive home can attest, when one zooms out and looks at the bigger picture, one can find familial patterns of abuse, which have manifested differently in each generation. People have the tendency to pass on the pain from their own abuse onto their children and into the world. 

Passing on pain is inevitable, just as it is inevitable that we also pass on joy. We can be mindful of our pain, though, and do our best to transform it into something good. 

Also to note: Just because you have been hurt, does not mean all people are out to hurt you. Living in fear is unhealthy for everyone. Fear feeds into division and division is what breaks down the individual, the family unit, and society. 

Together, we as a people can heal and make better lives for ourselves. 

Communication and authenticity, acquiring and sharing knowledge, and an agreement to move forward as one race, as one species, needs to come next. 

We are out of time. We can’t wait around for someone to save us. Our political system has failed us. Climate change is real. Resources are running out or being contaminated.  Many of our common food and drinks are slowly killing us. The pharmaceutical industry is in the business of treating symptoms, not diseases. The family unit has been all but destroyed. Our middleclass is vanishing because a few people are too greedy, and money isn’t even backed by anything physical. Currency is make believe. We might as well be paying with board game money. Our debt crisis is based on imaginary money (both tragic and hilarious if you see the ridiculousness in it all). There is a building tension and people are showing more aggression and fear than ever. 

We are living during the greatest mass extinction this earth has even seen, and I guarantee you that humans are on the endangered species list. 

If you feel inclined to save our species, like I do, let’s dialogue. It’s time to start laying out plans if humanity is to have a future. 

What is next? How do we make this better?

How do we address this apparent Stockholm Syndrome that society seems to have?

Let’s stop allowing the minority to abuse the majority. 

As Far As I Can Tell

As far as I can tell, most systems of government work well in theory. However, they fail in practice, due to corruption. I look back in history and I am laughing as I write this (for if I did not laugh, I would be crying right now), and I wonder, how many thousands of years must human beings live this way before we get it? How many empires must fall? Is there a magic number where the collective will decide that it’s time to take responsibility and live better?

How long will the majority accept the rule of greedy, manipulative individuals? We’ve known the system was rigged for years. There is incontrovertible evidence that the system has complete disregard for the will of the people. 

The fact that so many people are struggling financially or are struggling to have some semblance of a life outside of work, is all the proof you need that our system does not value us. It is at the root of all other inequalities and injustice in our society. 

The prison system is privately run for the most part and the majority of prisoners are there for nonviolent crimes which ought to be treated through rehabilitation. In countries where addictions and drugs are treated as a medical problem (or more accurately, a psychosocial problem), crimes and addiction rates are lower. In countries where criminals are rehabilitated instead of punished, violent crime rates are down and the return rate of prisoners is down. In the US, people profit off of the prison population. Each head earns them money from the government and they are a source of cheap labor. Imprisonment destroys people’s ability to find gainful employment and to live a normal life, thus creating a revolving door for prisoners and an endless stream of revenue for the privately owned prisons. For a select few people to get rich, families and entire communities are routinely destroyed. 

The FDA is responsible for keeping the population safe from food and drug products. Our population has never been unhealthier. Obesity, diabetes, heart attack, heart disease, depression, and chronic pain are commonplace. Why? Because the pharmaceutical industry and the food industry has paid off our elected officials and bought the RNC and DNC. 

Take a look at Flint, Michigan. They didn’t have access to clean drinking water for how many months? That is a third world country issue, that should NEVER have happened in the US. 

What will it take before we demand more of ourselves and those who supposedly represent us? If they won’t look out for our best interests, don’t you think we should look out for our best interests?

How much more will we allow the minority to erode the humanity of the many?

Don’t buy into the media. They’ve been bought too and their job is to feed us opinions, not fact. They keep us divided by religion, race, and terror. They don’t tell you about the stories of people uniting in the aftermath of violence. They don’t tell you about the communities that rebuild themselves. They want you to see the world through a lens of fear so that we stay divided. 

Keeping society divided on issues that shouldn’t even be issues (can’t we all just get along? ;), makes it super easy for the minority to keep pushing their agenda through buying up our politicians and our media. 

When everyone is reading about celebrities licking hammers and getting sex reassignment surgery, no one is paying attention to bills being quietly passed–bills which help the rich get richer and screw over the rest of society. When all the attention is on Melania Trump, no one is looking at the insanity of the RNC. When everyone is looking at the corruption of the DNC, more people will see Trump as a viable option, ignoring the insanity of it all. 

My friends, you are being steered like cattle by the people who own the media and the politicians. Don’t be taken for fools. Don’t let history repeat itself. 

All inequality and injustice is maintained by the rich so that they can stay in control. Be better than this. Don’t allow fear to control your life. Don’t compromise yourself. 

We will endure and we will do better. We just have to take responsibility for the conditions in which we live and in which we subject others to. We are all in this together. 

Outsider Syndrome

It starts during a conversation with someone who knows me well.  We banter back and forth and share stories. There is amusement and mirth. Then I share something I felt safe sharing or run too long with kidding around, and there’s a disconnect. We’ve stepped out of sync for a moment. Typically, these things happen and nothing comes of it. But I see a look of not recognizing on her face and I know that it’s starting. 

I’ve already begun distancing myself from people, to shield them from the mood I am in when I feel drained and near distraught. 

I don’t know the people in my own life sometimes. There’s this detachment from feelings and a disconnection of my innate need for anyone.

Earlier tonight, I was looking into my eyes in the mirror, trying to recognize myself. I see this body, this face, and I don’t see anyone I know. But the eyes don’t lie. This is me. 

It feels as though I change so fast that I can never quite get comfortable with where I am. Whether that’s in school, career, or enlightenment…the farther I go, the more I lose grounding here in consensual reality. I start living in my own head. 

While the process is strange, it is familiar. There’s a sadness, like saying goodbye to a friend I may never see again.  

And now, I just do what I do, while these changes unfold. 

DID and Relationships

Sometimes I wonder how much of myself I can actually share with my partner. I told her I have DID and I’ve explained some things, but I don’t want to overshare. 

Having DID is like having relationships with myself in some ways. I have to think about what other selves want and don’t want, what is safe, what is good for me as a whole, what triggers different aspects of myself. 

It gets confusing just being me and I don’t want to mix anyone up about me. I also don’t like the idea of someone being able to access other parts of me. That feels personal, like it’s just for me. On the other hand, perhaps those other versions of myself want to interact with people too. 

Since I’ve been trying to just relax and admit that I really don’t have as much control as I thought, I’ve become more aware. Aware in the sense that I recognize when I’ve been gone now. Aware of getting things done, and processing certain memories. 

The more I let go, the more I’m getting a handle on things, even though I feel like my life is out of control. It’s hard to explain, but I think maybe that’s just how life is. I have to let go and see what happens next. 

I’ll ask her if she wants to be kept in the loop of my going ons, or if that would be weird. I don’t understand external relationships nearly to the extent as I do my internal ones. I don’t even know if it matters or if she would want to know such things.