Tightness ’til collapse

Inward until outward

Atoms gather to shatter

We’re in this together

Lay the past to rest

And walk with me

First to stand or last to sit

No one notices the rest

Who you are is who you’ll become

Because it is always now which manifests


Finding Closure

I have been spending more time with my grandfather lately.

I am witnessing a man realizing his own mortality and he has so much fear and sadness.

He has become smaller in stature, slower in pace, an accumulation of grief and rage over 79 years. Regrets. Feelings of not belonging, of rejection by family.

I’ve been frustrated the past several months, because I don’t seem to know what to say to help him feel better. His lashing out at others and saying inappropriate things is nothing new, but for some reason it deeply bothers me more than ever.

I want to see him value the people who make an effort to be a part of his life, not gripe and be belligerent. I want to see him have peace so that peace can extend to others.

A couple of people have mentioned my grandmother lately and how I remind him of her. So I was thinking of asking him, if she were here right now, what is it he would want to say to her. Maybe he can find some closure by unburdening.

Nature of Self

I’ve been thinking more about what the self actually is.

For me, it feels like I am a sum of many traits, experiences, knowledge, and assumptions / schemas created by those things. These parts can configure in any number of ways to adapt to any number of situations.

This would mean that the Self is contextual. So a good way to learn more about the self is through interactions with others.

If how I am around others is always shifting, can I ever truly know myself?

I think of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. You can’t accurately measure both position and velocity. I also think of the observer effect seen in physics and psychology. The mere act of observation changes behavior.

If I know I am being observed, I am different than when I am unaware.

If I am observing myself, then I am not being myself. So that view too, is inaccurate. 

The best I can do is look at the underlying mechanisms behind my actions, to see what patterns and inconsistencies are there. I can look at my narrative, the language I use, the view I have, but beyond that, perhaps I shall never know.

Having said all that… I suppose it does not matter. At the end of the day, I get lost staring up at the stars. And who am I to the stars?

I just make my way through life. Every interaction has the potential to change me somehow, for better or worse, or perhaps not at all.

Everything I add to my life has a chance to really add to my life or take away from it.

 Every action has the potential to build up or break down.

So maybe the question isn’t so much about position (self) but the action (momentum) I take. 

There needs to be balance.

Three Pillars

The sky is light blue, with a few streaks of white clouds. The air is cool, but the sun is warm on my skin. I walk across the crisp green blades of grass, feeling the coldness of morning dew on my bare feet.

I see three great pillars ahead, arranged in a triangle, with a circle patch of barren earth in the center. I journey to the center of the pillars.

The first pillar represents grief. I think of all the suffering and loss in my life and the lives of others. Every rape, every murder, every assault, exploitation, and oppression cuts at my soul like a flaming sword. I must learn to wield it.

The second pillar represents rage. I can hear the cries of a million souls. Injustice! So much injustice perpetuated across time and space. I feel my muscles swell up, ready to take action. I feel ready to react and to protect.

The third pillar represents love. In this moment, I can say that I am loved. I realize that life is movement. I must always move in the direction that I want to go in. Focus on bringing the best out in myself and others. That is love.

Grief, rage, and love are motions in life. We are meant to be moved by them. What do those motions bring up in you?

Giving Death To

I’ve been thinking about what I need to give death to in my life so that I may live fully.

The main things I need to give death to are: excuses for and beliefs about myself.

My problem is that the Self is contextual and my context has been isolation, institutionialisation, and unhealthy family for 33 years.

I literally don’t know how to be. And because I spent so much time in observation growing up, I never know if I’m doing or saying enough or too much.

That’s an excuse. It may be a fact, but it is still an excuse.

Why is it so hard to let go of what I know? 

Living like this is most likely far worse than just taking more risks and putting myself out in the world.

I’ll just file this under my existential meanderings and sleep on it.

Archetypes and Expression

Being as One. I want to feel as though I fit in every place, because where I am, how I see it, is a projection of myself. 

I was looking at the archetypes and I saw that I could identify with each one at some point in my life. 

I then looked at the underlying themes: connect with others, make a mark on the world, yearn for paradise, and provide structure in the world.

It seems as though, being as One, would accomplish all four of those underlying themes, simply by being and doing in accordance with All.

Connecting with others is a matter of being authentic and not letting fear or doubt outweigh the curiosity of knowing and interacting with others.

Making a mark on the world is a matter of being at the right place at the right time and taking the right action. It’s okay to be the first one standing or the last one standing. Nobody else is remembered.

Yearning for paradise, understanding how people are and knowing how we can be, and striving for the best in human nature. Follow your own beliefs and be who you are, be it that it harms none. That’s not to say that you’ll never make a wrong decision, but you will be mindful of how your actions and words impact others.

Providing structure in the world, this comes from inspiration, joy, compassion, and evidence. To create is to put Oneself into the world, to express, to do, to be, to shape One’s reality.

Ancient Psychology

Ancient Psychology

I’ve been studying mysticism, occult, archetypes, perception, and society at large for some time now. I look at reoccurring themes in my own life as well as family themes, fads and trends on social media, and I see how the pieces fit together. 

I’ve endured a lot and I see such depth, such capacity, of what humans are and what they can be. 

For many years, I took the role of warrior and wounded healer. Those archetypes served me well, but it is time to change the narrative. 

Seeing what we as humans do to ourselves and each other, it is disheartening. There is so much needless suffering in our lives. But that doesn’t define who we are. It’s just a part of the narrative.

This story isn’t about what happened to you. This story is about who you are and how you handle yourself moment to moment.

Life is spontaneous, beautiful, and chaotic. And each person has their own unique version of the world. 

As for me, I shall change the paradigm. I am no longer a warrior nor a wounded healer.

I am an explorer, braving this strange frontier and making my own way through the world.