Exploring the Depths

I’ve blogged about the origin of suicidal thoughts before, but I’d like to work it out again from the headspace I’m in today.

Speaking realistically, there is a high chance that I will die by my own hand eventually. I have been dealing with suicidal ideation since the age of five and I had a nearly successful attempt when I was eighteen.

For me, I think it stems from this disconnection I experience.

I’ve never been able to envision a future where I exist, where I have a value as a human being.

I have no attachments to things. The only reason to have money is to survive in this form of society.

I don’t care about sports, cars, fashion, and the meaningless drivel on the news. I lost interest even in my favorite genres of tv shows and movies.

And I don’t see the point in being a part of a society that doesn’t function.

The most crucial piece, I lack human connection. There is not a single person I know that I feel I can discuss my observations and thoughts with face to face, other than my therapist.

I have no sense of community or family.

It’s interesting. I don’t feel lonely. But every now and then, aloneness feels like a hole burning inside my chest. 

There is this frustration in that I have made such leaps and strides in recovering from trauma, yet my situation is still the same; despite my efforts. 

So all of this weighs on me at times. I think to myself, “I’m not that interested in seeing what happens next. Living through this repeatedly is not worth it.”

What I see in society is exactly what I see in my own self. Conflict. Division. Impasse.

So the inevitable idea pops into my mind, self-destruction. I can always say, enough is enough, and deliver myself from this existence.

I do find some relief in thinking of it as an option.

I reason with myself that self-termination is neither right nor wrong, it is an autonomous decision and anyone has the right to do whatever they want with their own life.

Then I let myself cry for a bit. It seems to fill up that hole. I shift perspective and know that I simply must stay the course.  

The decisions I make today shape my tomorrow. So the more I do for myself right now, the better off I’ll be.

So I scrape by another few weeks of suicidal depression and hope that I don’t run out of steam.

These thoughts and feelings are pretty common I think, it’s just that no one discusses it.

**side note** this is not a cry for help. I’m just working out my own experience of this and have no plans to harm myself.

Waking Up to Self

As I let go of the pain that has passed down for many generations, I wake up to my Self.

I locked my Self away for safe keeping, long ago.

I’ve been having feelings of fear in relation to putting myself out more in the world. I feel like my heart is an open wound. I reach out and then I retreat for a while. 

I’m wanting to feel more comfortable being myself and being with others.

I over think. I rush. I judge myself. 

Basically, I need to chill out. I am causing myself stress. 

This whole “living fully” thing is no joke. And yet it is. ­čśŤ Aargh! 

Effects of Institutionalization

The last real kind of friendship I had was when I was institutionalized for weeks and months on end as a teenager. This went on for years.

On one side, there are the people with debilitating mental illness where they’ve disconnected from the world or from themself. And then there are those who managed to survive whatever it was that broke them.

We came from all walks of life. Some of us were teenagers who never really stood a chance. Some were 20 and 30 somethings who were tired of playing the game. Others were burnt out elders who were tired of seeing people destroy themselves.

I got used to having very short but intense friendships. It’s how I endured for so long.

Outside of that time and place, it’s like I don’t know how to be. In the past, there was something that tied us together. It was a kinship of sorts and now, I just feel alone around people.

Unknowing Myself

I don’t know how to define myself, but I want to try. Who am I and what is my experience like?

I’m a sentient being who happens to be human. 

I’m this collection of thoughts, feelings, experiences, and knowledge, encapsulated in flesh.

My personality is unknowable to me. As far as I can tell, I am made up of many components. These components configure in any number of ways at any given time, and that is who I am at the moment. I think this is actually true of all people. [Multiple Aspects of Self Framework].

I have multiple views at any given time, which can be distracting when I need to do something, but otherwise is very engaging and insightful for me.

Most of the time, I feel like a part of my surroundings and I am absorbed in thoughts or daydreams.

I feel at peace when I am alone and am seldom lonely.

I am never bored.

Sometimes I need a break from sensory input and will take a rest away from people, sound, lights, etc.

I am aware of my feelings, but am distant from them. But when I am alone, I allow myself to feel, and I feel deeply.

I very much want to see my species continue to evolve. I want to see us live by the creed of evidence and compassion.

I feel at home in my head space and out of my element around people.

Does it matter who I am?

There’s stillness within and stillness without.

Why don’t I move from the stillness?

Hello, World

I’m just going to write some things about myself that I’d like someone to know about me, because I feel alone (though I know I’m not).

I like to feel the rain trickling down my skin on a cool, breezy day. That sharp contrast of the earliest rain drops, I am both wet and dry, both temperate and cold. The tension in my muscles lessens and I feel a spark of aliveness.

I like how sometimes I’ll make eye contact with someone at just the right moment, and we both laugh and start talking.  It’s as though, for some time, my soul is sharing the same frequency as theirs.  It’s spontaneous and playful, and it fills my heart with joy.

I enjoy my observations of people and reality. Behavior and the processes that lead to that behavior fascinate me more than anything.

These are the things that keep me here.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that people like me aren’t meant to exist.

I don’t think people are meant to survive an abusive mental health system. I probably ought to be drooling in solitary confinement.

But here I am. 

I feel so lost.

There is this one thing, I need to work on. I don’t know what causes this or why I feel the way I do, but I think it is the basis for a lot of my discomfort around people.

Human contact is essential to thrive. 

Yet, human touch causes this intense inner feeling, like I am being skinned alive.  It takes so much energy to contain my instinct to writhe, pull back, or get away.

It is the worst feeling.

90% or more of the time, I feel perfectly happy and peaceful to be by myself. But the rest of the time, it’s as though being untouched kills me inside.

I am not sure how to sort this out. Where the body is concerned, I am at a total loss as to what to do.

Hashing Out Anger

I’ve had a lot of anger toward someone in my life for a long time now. 

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to be angry.

I am tired of seething with hatred whenever I am in the same room with them, so I need to really look at what is going on.

I feel angry that she takes me and everyone else in her life for granted. I resent that she uses people to get what she needs. I feel I have been and continue to be exploited by her. I am angry that even when I do well for myself, that she has to taint everything by accusing me of eating disorders and mental issues, when I am just making a conscious effort to be well. She assumes my isolation is a symptom of something, when I just need to be away from her and people like her. 

I’m an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Everything that she stands for makes me sick.

With that said, I must acknowledge that she is who she is.

Just as I must acknowledge, I am who I am. I will not compromise myself for her any more because she would never do the same for me. I accept that.

I still just struggle to be in her presence. 

She offends me.

So, I’ll just be offended for now. It is hard not to take offense when she knows what she is doing and she chooses to do it anyway. It makes me cringe and pull away. It is hard to even look at her most of the time.

I think this knowing better also applies to myself (which is why I’ve been making healthier choices and getting my life on track) and also to society (hence my frustration with society’s self-destructive ways) and she is basically the personification of the worst traits in humanity (what I think are the worst traits in myself and others).

Of course I am blowing this out of proportion, as 90% of problems are just in the mind.

I have cause, correlation, and projection covered, so now I need to figure out how to channel that anger into something less destructive: art, writing, exercise, expressions that let the energy out. 

Bottling it up is just unhealthy.