I have some feelings and behaviors that could be tied into avoidance (trauma response) but could also just be personal preference.
I shall describe my experience using whatever language seems to fit, without analyzing myself to see where it takes me.
When I am in nature, I am at peace. When I am on my own, I am at peace. It’s as though my very being unfolds and is part of my surroundings.
I am the flutter of wings, I am the wind, I am the grass, it’s as though I am breathing through the earth.
When I am around people, I recoil. Not always, and not with everyone. Lately, I have not wanted to be around people.
Small talk numbs me and my mind drifts.
I live on meaningful discussion between authentic others. Intellectual playfulness rather than knee jerk reactions. The sharing of experience, knowledge, and ideas which are relevant somehow.
Based on experience, I know that I must wade through seemingly endless nonsense in order to connect with fellow travelers, but I am weary of it for now and choose to stay on my own.
When I am on my own, I do things that are in accordance with myself and well-being and feel better for it.
Looking back at what I wrote, I don’t see it so much as a pathology, but more of a temporary state of being. I need to keep doing self-care and put myself out there once rejuvenated.