Upon further reflection, I think that being no one is just a cop out. It’s easier to be no one and have little presence in the life of others, because it’s safe. If I’m someone, then I can be hurt.
But having no presence in the life of others also means there’s no chance to be loved.
Cosmic love and self love are infinite and wonderful, but the love of another Being and feeling One, is the whole of this human experience.
Why would I deny myself the human experience? This denial is more harmful than what anyone else could do to me.
And so I shall become someone and have a presence once more.
Who are you?
The more things a person can categorize their self as, the more secure their place in the world.
What if a person becomes comfortable with having no place in the world?
Identities have become a thing of the past for me. I just am. At least, for now.
There are traces of who once was: The girl who could be best friends with anyone, even if only for a few hours. She could find commonalities and compromises in any situation. The teen girl who had a healthy disdain for humanity with all their absurdities, and even so, she’d rather take the abuse than see someone else take it. The boy who felt like an outsider. He was the quiet, even headed, cool guy wearing the leather jacket and lighting up a smoke.
All of these, I have been at some point. And now, there’s just a melting pot of characteristics within. I am no one thing or person. There are potentialities and what is right now.
I cannot tell if I am lost or if I am found.
Am I no one? Do I simply feel I cannot be someone? Have I withdrawn from the world so much that I cease to be?
Tightness ’til collapse
Inward until outward
Atoms gather to shatter
We’re in this together
Lay the past to rest
And walk with me
First to stand or last to sit
No one notices the rest
Who you are is who you’ll become
Because it is always now which manifests
I have been spending more time with my grandfather lately.
I am witnessing a man realizing his own mortality and he has so much fear and sadness.
He has become smaller in stature, slower in pace, an accumulation of grief and rage over 79 years. Regrets. Feelings of not belonging, of rejection by family.
I’ve been frustrated the past several months, because I don’t seem to know what to say to help him feel better. His lashing out at others and saying inappropriate things is nothing new, but for some reason it deeply bothers me more than ever.
I want to see him value the people who make an effort to be a part of his life, not gripe and be belligerent. I want to see him have peace so that peace can extend to others.
A couple of people have mentioned my grandmother lately and how I remind him of her. So I was thinking of asking him, if she were here right now, what is it he would want to say to her. Maybe he can find some closure by unburdening.