Exploring the Depths

I’ve blogged about the origin of suicidal thoughts before, but I’d like to work it out again from the headspace I’m in today.

Speaking realistically, there is a high chance that I will die by my own hand eventually. I have been dealing with suicidal ideation since the age of five and I had a nearly successful attempt when I was eighteen.

For me, I think it stems from this disconnection I experience.

I’ve never been able to envision a future where I exist, where I have a value as a human being.

I have no attachments to things. The only reason to have money is to survive in this form of society.

I don’t care about sports, cars, fashion, and the meaningless drivel on the news. I lost interest even in my favorite genres of tv shows and movies.

And I don’t see the point in being a part of a society that doesn’t function.

The most crucial piece, I lack human connection. There is not a single person I know that I feel I can discuss my observations and thoughts with face to face, other than my therapist.

I have no sense of community or family.

It’s interesting. I don’t feel lonely. But every now and then, aloneness feels like a hole burning inside my chest. 

There is this frustration in that I have made such leaps and strides in recovering from trauma, yet my situation is still the same; despite my efforts. 

So all of this weighs on me at times. I think to myself, “I’m not that interested in seeing what happens next. Living through this repeatedly is not worth it.”

What I see in society is exactly what I see in my own self. Conflict. Division. Impasse.

So the inevitable idea pops into my mind, self-destruction. I can always say, enough is enough, and deliver myself from this existence.

I do find some relief in thinking of it as an option.

I reason with myself that self-termination is neither right nor wrong, it is an autonomous decision and anyone has the right to do whatever they want with their own life.

Then I let myself cry for a bit. It seems to fill up that hole. I shift perspective and know that I simply must stay the course.  

The decisions I make today shape my tomorrow. So the more I do for myself right now, the better off I’ll be.

So I scrape by another few weeks of suicidal depression and hope that I don’t run out of steam.

These thoughts and feelings are pretty common I think, it’s just that no one discusses it.

**side note** this is not a cry for help. I’m just working out my own experience of this and have no plans to harm myself.

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