One of my biggest challenges is feeling at home in my body.
In my early years, I was scared nearly to death many times. There were times when I lost consciousness due to being unable to breathe.
Being assaulted, it is my very Being being thrown, pulled, pushed, cracked, smashed, held down, and flung about.
My body, my soul, my mind. Violated. Violently.
I’ve never felt safe or comfortable since then.
I felt separate from my body, because if I couldn’t identify with my body, that made the crime less personal. It made it okay to exist again, just in a limited capacity.
I get body sensation flashbacks at night.
For the longest time, these scared me into staying disconnected.
I’ve been disconnected for so long that I experience a lot of pain when I do ground myself more in my body.
It’s time for me to feel well, to be well, so I am taking actions in that direction.
When moving my body, I pay attention to my musculature. When I have body sensations, I take note and try to make sense of what I feel.
I imagine it’s a bit like being a newborn, being new to the physical experience, figuring out what sensations mean.