Sleep Deprivation

I have insomnia and have been taking meds to help for the last few years. I tend to get about 6-7 hours total with meds. But every so often, my mind is just unstoppable and I average 3-4 hours of sleep per night.

In the past, I’ve always noted how I felt in relation to the lack of sleep in terms of mood, but not in body or spirit.

It’s been probably 2 or 3 weeks of restlessness now. 

My days and weeks start running together at this point (more so than usual).

My body feels light and warm. It’s almost like I can feel the space between molecules in my body. I feel the softness of my skin, fat, and organs. I feel how my muscles move. I feel aware of my bones and every little sensation that passes through me.

I really feel the soreness in my hips, pelvis, and low back. Remnants of an agony long gone. I feel the old injuries in my knees and ankles. There’s a sadness in my body, within the pain I feel.

I find myself melding into my surroundings. I feel peace and I take joy in observing those around me. My mind is open to the ideas, experiences, and behavior of others. I look on with a sense of wonder and intrigue.

There’s a feeling of exhaustion. I take a low dose of bupropion in the morning, which feels like artificial energy. It keeps my body moving and alert even though I am sleepy. 

This state of action during exhaustion makes my body feel like a puppet or a shell that I am using to interact with the world.

Spiritually, psychologically, I am in observer mode most of the time. 

Observe, analyze, question, observe, analyze, theorize, observe some more…

There’s a wanting. I want to see our species change course for the better. It isn’t a need. Humanity can and will do whatever it chooses to do, regardless of what I want. I have made peace with that.

There’s this abundance of love in my soul, to the point that it hurts at times, for there is no one person to love and reciprocate that love.

I am having a deep appreciation of this experience of Life. 

Most of the universe is empty space, and most of the planets in space are devoid of Life. It truly is wonderful and amazing to exist at all. 

I appreciate duality in our existence. I understand the balance and the spectrum in which we live. 

That’s where I am currently.

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