Hello, World


I’m just going to write some things about myself that I’d like someone to know about me, because I feel alone (though I know I’m not).

I like to feel the rain trickling down my skin on a cool, breezy day. That sharp contrast of the earliest rain drops, I am both wet and dry, both temperate and cold. The tension in my muscles lessens and I feel a spark of aliveness.

I like how sometimes I’ll make eye contact with someone at just the right moment, and we both laugh and start talking.  It’s as though, for some time, my soul is sharing the same frequency as theirs.  It’s spontaneous and playful, and it fills my heart with joy.

I enjoy my observations of people and reality. Behavior and the processes that lead to that behavior fascinate me more than anything.

These are the things that keep me here.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that people like me aren’t meant to exist.

I don’t think people are meant to survive an abusive mental health system. I probably ought to be drooling in solitary confinement.

But here I am. 

I feel so lost.

There is this one thing, I need to work on. I don’t know what causes this or why I feel the way I do, but I think it is the basis for a lot of my discomfort around people.

Human contact is essential to thrive. 

Yet, human touch causes this intense inner feeling, like I am being skinned alive.  It takes so much energy to contain my instinct to writhe, pull back, or get away.

It is the worst feeling.

90% or more of the time, I feel perfectly happy and peaceful to be by myself. But the rest of the time, it’s as though being untouched kills me inside.

I am not sure how to sort this out. Where the body is concerned, I am at a total loss as to what to do.

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Awakening / Enlivening

My interpretation: The heart is still in the chest cavity, indicating there is still a capacity for love. However, it is disconnected from pumping blood through the body, representing there is nothing more to bleed and also signifying a disconnection from the body.

The gaping hole represents an emptiness where there should be human connection. The hole is still raw to represent the suffering this causes.

Because of this emptiness, chakra energy, life energy is able to transmute the suffering into something good and usable.

Why Self-exploration Is Important


There is a HUGE variable which we have not been able to account for in the sciences, and that is the variable of perception.

We all know observation affects the behavior of what is being observed.

The Self is a tool of measurement. We measure reality through our senses, which is then processed by the brain, which filters everything based on knowledge and experience.

So, know thyself.

Think about all of the things that have influenced who you are; dietary choices, lifestyle, mood, attitude, upbringing, beliefs, expectations, socialization, peer pressure, conformity, institutionalized education, media, how you’ve been treated, your family dynamics, relationships, etc.

Know how who you are shapes your view of the world and your view of yourself.

Most of the issues we face individually and as a collective, can be handled better by simply changing how we view things. (ie. seeing something that no longer serves its function and replacing it with something that works, rather than accepting dysfunction.)

Pretty simple, right? When you’re able to hone in on priorities (your actual priorities, not the ones that have been forced on you), it helps to brush away the nonsense being fed to you by unsolicited sources. 

When you can acknowledge your own biases and the biases of others, you’ll see the bigger picture of what is actually occurring in reality.

When you can see the bigger picture, it then becomes clearer that you and I have the choice to be how we are. And if we do not like how we are living, we can change that at any time.

The collective is the sum of individuals. If more individuals choose to have higher standards of living, eventually, it’ll be a collective change.

Imagine

Imagine being among the first creatures to emerge from the ocean and see stars for the first time. Feeling wind caress your flesh, the chill of the night, and later witnessing the sun rise and feeling it’s warmth.

You have no way to communicate this experience to those still in the ocean, they have to experience it for themselves.

The most anyone can do is invite an ocean dweller to peek at the sky, and hope their curiousity outweighs their fear.

For it is curiousity that drives the human spirit, to search for more, to explore the unknown, to understand and apply knowledge, to make progress, so that we may keep evolving.

Even though things seem bleak, I believe the human spirit will persevere.

I don’t know what it will take for people to take responsibility for co-creating society, but rest assured, change is in the works.

These are uncertain times for many people. The tension is thick. Many are frustrated. 

You can see it in the road rage, the mass shootings, the use of drugs.

Symptoms of social illness have been around for a long time, but we choose to ignore it.

We hit a saturation point some time ago, something will give. Society doesn’t have to collapse for there to be change.

We could do it at any time. By choosing love over fear. By choosing compassion over suffering. By letting go of the ideas that don’t work, in order to let in new ideas. By imagining a future worth having.

Can you imagine?

Reflections


How I treat myself: It’s not something I think about a lot. I’ve always been dismissive of myself.

So I’ve been including my physical self more in my decisions.

I want to be well, so I have to treat myself well. This means that I must actively love myself to do what is in my own best interest.

I think a lot of people learn to scrutinize themselves early on. It’s just how we’re socialized. 

This scrutiny keeps us focused on seeing things wrong with ourselves and we miss the underlying theme.

I’m not depressed because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. 

I’m depressed because I have no sense of self in this world. I’m sad because my only purpose in life has been to survive.

Life is so much more than just surviving. 

It’s about learning, experiencing, loving, laughing, crying. It’s about figuring out ways to make life better for ourselves and the next generation, and not at the expense of others. 

It’s about personal growth, adaptation, and ultimately, evolution.

One does not view the ocean and say the waves are imperfect, so why do we do this to ourselves?

There’s a difference between seeing ourselves and judging ourselves.

If we just take a look, can we honestly say that we are living the lives of people with a worthwhile future?

What needs to change? Ultimately, it is individual responsibility to be the change we need. Society is the sum of its individuals, after all.

Trauma and Body Disconnection

One of my biggest challenges is feeling at home in my body.

In my early years, I was scared nearly to death many times. There were times when I lost consciousness due to being unable to breathe. 

Being assaulted, it is my very Being being thrown, pulled, pushed, cracked, smashed, held down, and flung about.

My body, my soul, my mind. Violated. Violently.

I’ve never felt safe or comfortable since then.

I felt separate from my body, because if I couldn’t identify with my body, that made the crime less personal. It made it okay to exist again, just in a limited capacity. 

I get body sensation flashbacks at night. 

For the longest time, these scared me into staying disconnected.

I’ve been disconnected for so long that I experience a lot of pain when I do ground myself more in my body.

It’s time for me to feel well, to be well, so I am taking actions in that direction.

When moving my body, I pay attention to my musculature. When I have body sensations, I take note and try to make sense of what I feel.

I imagine it’s a bit like being a newborn, being new to the physical experience, figuring out what sensations mean.

Hashing Out Anger

I’ve had a lot of anger toward someone in my life for a long time now. 

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to be angry.

I am tired of seething with hatred whenever I am in the same room with them, so I need to really look at what is going on.

I feel angry that she takes me and everyone else in her life for granted. I resent that she uses people to get what she needs. I feel I have been and continue to be exploited by her. I am angry that even when I do well for myself, that she has to taint everything by accusing me of eating disorders and mental issues, when I am just making a conscious effort to be well. She assumes my isolation is a symptom of something, when I just need to be away from her and people like her. 

I’m an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Everything that she stands for makes me sick.

With that said, I must acknowledge that she is who she is.

Just as I must acknowledge, I am who I am. I will not compromise myself for her any more because she would never do the same for me. I accept that.

I still just struggle to be in her presence. 

She offends me.

So, I’ll just be offended for now. It is hard not to take offense when she knows what she is doing and she chooses to do it anyway. It makes me cringe and pull away. It is hard to even look at her most of the time.

I think this knowing better also applies to myself (which is why I’ve been making healthier choices and getting my life on track) and also to society (hence my frustration with society’s self-destructive ways) and she is basically the personification of the worst traits in humanity (what I think are the worst traits in myself and others).

Of course I am blowing this out of proportion, as 90% of problems are just in the mind.

I have cause, correlation, and projection covered, so now I need to figure out how to channel that anger into something less destructive: art, writing, exercise, expressions that let the energy out. 

Bottling it up is just unhealthy.