Where I Am

I feel like I’ve lived in a cognitive fog the past few years.

You know how you just keep plodding along, doing whatever it is you do, then suddenly you have clarity. And there you are, looking at what you’re doing and looking at the world around you. 

I’m doing that right now. I want to both laugh and cry. 

I’m just this person who doesn’t like to be defined as anything other than a human being. Why add more to the description? 

By adding, you are also subtracting. If I am considered this, than I cannot be that. Then, attach all the preconceived notions of what it means to be this or be that.

It’s funny, because I don’t think most people even know how to define what it is to be human, let alone to be this race and that gender or practice this faith or whatever it is that you think defines you.

When you take away everything that’s been socialized into you (about what it means to be this or that), whatever is left is who you are.

When it comes down to it, I have a love for humanity which I don’t always understand.

Despite the corruption and disregard for life and quality of life within society, I still want to see us get through this evolutionary block we seem to be stuck in.

The human condition fascinates me and the human spirit amazes me.

With that said, I think it is also this mindset I have which alienates me from many people.

I’ve also come to terms with the fact that I think differently and learn differently than what formal education is designed to handle. It’s not for me.

It is true that I don’t want to go back to school. I love the idea of learning, and I try to engage people in intellectual discussion whenever I recognize someone can think similarly to me. So, I have dismissed the idea of graduate school as being necessary and am just engaging more with people who are insightful.

I do feel judged by some people, but it doesn’t bother me much anymore. What does it matter what someone thinks of what I do, if they cannot be bothered to understand why I do what I do.

The point of my doing what I do, is that I am taking care of my needs and developing as a human being. I’m not trying to impress anyone or prove anything.

People shouldn’t have to explain their living situation or their condition to anyone. I am who I am. I do what I do.

Sometimes I feel like I am just an observer here on Earth. I watch from a distance, analyzing behavior like a biologist looking through a microscope. 

And even though I am part of the human condition and human spirit, I feel like I would when watching a baby learn to walk. Sure, I can help steady them and do my best to remove obstacles. But ultimately, that baby needs to learn through doing. They’re going to have falls. They’re going to misjudge. They’re going to get bruises and scrapes, because once they learn to walk, they want to run. That’s just how it is. I can share their pain when they have an accident, and I can share their joy when they learn how to do something new. That’s how life is.

There’s this detached compassion of wanting to see others be well and do well, but not allowing their suffering to cause me suffering.

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