Outsider Syndrome

It starts during a conversation with someone who knows me well.  We banter back and forth and share stories. There is amusement and mirth. Then I share something I felt safe sharing or run too long with kidding around, and there’s a disconnect. We’ve stepped out of sync for a moment. Typically, these things happen and nothing comes of it. But I see a look of not recognizing on her face and I know that it’s starting. 

I’ve already begun distancing myself from people, to shield them from the mood I am in when I feel drained and near distraught. 

I don’t know the people in my own life sometimes. There’s this detachment from feelings and a disconnection of my innate need for anyone.

Earlier tonight, I was looking into my eyes in the mirror, trying to recognize myself. I see this body, this face, and I don’t see anyone I know. But the eyes don’t lie. This is me. 

It feels as though I change so fast that I can never quite get comfortable with where I am. Whether that’s in school, career, or enlightenment…the farther I go, the more I lose grounding here in consensual reality. I start living in my own head. 

While the process is strange, it is familiar. There’s a sadness, like saying goodbye to a friend I may never see again.  

And now, I just do what I do, while these changes unfold. 


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