I’ve always had trouble looking in the mirror, literally, not metaphorically.
When I was a child, I did not recognize the person in the mirror. I denied that the person in photographs was me. I looked nothing how I felt inside and I couldn’t accept that was my body.
The way this manifests has changed over the years. I’ve felt completely wrong in gender, in weight, in age, and so on, and I think it is a complex coping mechanism.
By not recognizing my body as my own, I’m not owning the things that happened to it. If I dissociate from the pain of the body by rejecting the body, I am protecting myself from the violence that happened to it…to me.