As Far As I Can Tell

As far as I can tell, most systems of government work well in theory. However, they fail in practice, due to corruption. I look back in history and I am laughing as I write this (for if I did not laugh, I would be crying right now), and I wonder, how many thousands of years must human beings live this way before we get it? How many empires must fall? Is there a magic number where the collective will decide that it’s time to take responsibility and live better?

How long will the majority accept the rule of greedy, manipulative individuals? We’ve known the system was rigged for years. There is incontrovertible evidence that the system has complete disregard for the will of the people. 

The fact that so many people are struggling financially or are struggling to have some semblance of a life outside of work, is all the proof you need that our system does not value us. It is at the root of all other inequalities and injustice in our society. 

The prison system is privately run for the most part and the majority of prisoners are there for nonviolent crimes which ought to be treated through rehabilitation. In countries where addictions and drugs are treated as a medical problem (or more accurately, a psychosocial problem), crimes and addiction rates are lower. In countries where criminals are rehabilitated instead of punished, violent crime rates are down and the return rate of prisoners is down. In the US, people profit off of the prison population. Each head earns them money from the government and they are a source of cheap labor. Imprisonment destroys people’s ability to find gainful employment and to live a normal life, thus creating a revolving door for prisoners and an endless stream of revenue for the privately owned prisons. For a select few people to get rich, families and entire communities are routinely destroyed. 

The FDA is responsible for keeping the population safe from food and drug products. Our population has never been unhealthier. Obesity, diabetes, heart attack, heart disease, depression, and chronic pain are commonplace. Why? Because the pharmaceutical industry and the food industry has paid off our elected officials and bought the RNC and DNC. 

Take a look at Flint, Michigan. They didn’t have access to clean drinking water for how many months? That is a third world country issue, that should NEVER have happened in the US. 

What will it take before we demand more of ourselves and those who supposedly represent us? If they won’t look out for our best interests, don’t you think we should look out for our best interests?

How much more will we allow the minority to erode the humanity of the many?

Don’t buy into the media. They’ve been bought too and their job is to feed us opinions, not fact. They keep us divided by religion, race, and terror. They don’t tell you about the stories of people uniting in the aftermath of violence. They don’t tell you about the communities that rebuild themselves. They want you to see the world through a lens of fear so that we stay divided. 

Keeping society divided on issues that shouldn’t even be issues (can’t we all just get along? ;), makes it super easy for the minority to keep pushing their agenda through buying up our politicians and our media. 

When everyone is reading about celebrities licking hammers and getting sex reassignment surgery, no one is paying attention to bills being quietly passed–bills which help the rich get richer and screw over the rest of society. When all the attention is on Melania Trump, no one is looking at the insanity of the RNC. When everyone is looking at the corruption of the DNC, more people will see Trump as a viable option, ignoring the insanity of it all. 

My friends, you are being steered like cattle by the people who own the media and the politicians. Don’t be taken for fools. Don’t let history repeat itself. 

All inequality and injustice is maintained by the rich so that they can stay in control. Be better than this. Don’t allow fear to control your life. Don’t compromise yourself. 

We will endure and we will do better. We just have to take responsibility for the conditions in which we live and in which we subject others to. We are all in this together. 

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Applying Insight: in Real Life

I know a few a Trump supporters, and I’d like to share my approach to understanding them. If we are to become a better society, we must understand the nature of human behavior. 

There is an underlying theme they all share: hardship and pushing through their situations. These are people who have come from difficult upbringings and certain impairments (such as dyslexia, physical limitations, etc. ). 

They tend to feel that since their needs weren’t met, that everyone should do things on their own. They feel no responsibility for their fellow man. 

A man like Trump, who is impaired with his narrow world view, is standing up like an angry child and shouting: I can do a better job! 

Trump is a good salesman of divisiveness based on fear. The fear of immigrants (even though he is married to one), even though immigration is what literally built this country. Most of us US citizens are descendants of immigrants. 

When people were pouring into the nation, there was a greater need for schools, housing,  hospitals, roads, offices, restaurants, churches, temples, places for entertainment, shops, creating jobs, creating trade, making a very good economic situation for everyone involved. 

Some people seem to forget that population growth = economic growth, IF and ONLY IF, trade is fair. This means that people are paid living wages, because their time has value just like everyone else. Yes, some skills are much more knowledge based and yes, some skills may have more value. But where would we be without cooks, servers, janitors, and delivery people? Where would we be without nursing assistants, social workers, and crisis counsellors? 

No one should be working full time and not be able to live off their wages. And certainly, no one should be earning hundreds or even thousands of dollars an hour while there are people working for them who can’t afford to feed their families. 

Trump is not the man who is going to right this pay inequality. He instead promotes fear and resentment of immigrants and Muslims to deflect from the real problem, and these people who are feeling scared and insecure, support Trump’s blathering. 

Trump, basically channels people’s insecurities, creates hype, and it energizes people for all the wrong reasons. This is sad to me, that Trump would exploit people’s insecurities in order to do things his way. 

I caution anyone who would vote for someone so morally bankrupt that he would prey on fear: he does not care about your needs. 

I also hear that he is the lesser of the two evils. While he may not be in Wall Street’s pocket like Clinton, he has his own agenda–and based on Trump’s paranoia, I’d say it is a terrible agenda and may even be detrimental to our society. 

Voting for the lesser of two evils is what got us here. 

It pains my heart so much to see Donald  Trump and Hillary Clinton as the top two picks from mainstream society. A lot of it was predetermined and also slanted by the media, but there are a lot of Hillary and Don supporters out there. 

If you acknowledge that we are on the path of self-destruction, if you acknowledge the way we exist is unsustainable, if you have any care whatsoever about anyone other than yourself… Please hold yourself and others accountable. Take responsibility. 

Do you really want one of those two candidates to run our country? The man with no ideas, or the woman who wants to be the first female president of USA–further more, the government has been out of control for far too long. 

Hold them accountable for the condition of our roads, our health care system, public education, and diplomacy. Hold them accountable for systemically deteriorating society to the point where we have lost so much. 

Terrorist organizations and mass shooters are a byproduct of our society. The problem is that society and the family unit has degraded so much, that there is an abundance of people who feel they have nothing left to lose. 

When someone grows up in a dysfunctional family, then has a hard time in school, they feel like they have no one. Then an organization comes along, preaching about change and brotherhood, and they find meaning in that. These cults and organizations prey upon the vulnerable (not unlike politics) and now suddenly people are willing to be cannon fodder for a cause that gives them meaning in their life. 

If you really want to see society evolve, there are some basic things that people like you and me can do. 

1. Have higher standards. You deserve much more than what politicians and mega corporations are willing to do. Your life has value, your time has value. Everyone should demand living wages. Everyone should demand quality education for their children and accessible quality health care. Everyone should be willing to work together to make this happen. 

2. Dialogue with people. What do they think of the circus show campaigns? How did we get here? What can we do differently? Talking is the first step to understanding why we are doing what we’re doing. We can collaborate and actually make change. 

3. Be the best version of yourself that you can. Show compassion and understanding as often as you can. And don’t forget self-care, as being around people who need to be nudged in the right direction constantly can be tiring. 

That’s really all we have to do as society.

There are some things I’d like to see our government self-correct so we can get on with co-creating a better reality:

The senate should pass term limits upon itself. No more then two consecutive terms, same as the president. This is a reasonable request, considering the quality of the work being done. 

From a utilitarian approach, lobbying should be banned. Money entering politicians’ hands costs society’s quality of life and wealth, and creates terror in the world. 

Some argue that lobbying is needed for such things as cancer research or mental illness research, as examples. This is a false assumption. In an enlightened society, we would practice prevention and research cures, and invest in better ways of living. There is no need for lobbying and it is heavily contributing to the fall of our nation. 

To summarize: We can do better than this. We need to take responsibility. We need to act with compassion rather than fear. We need to hold people accountable for their actions.  Help others to choose compassion instead of fear. And finally, we must demand change and be willing to be a part of that change. 

I have hope that there are enough people who are ready to transition to a better way of living, which is sustainable and encourages progress and prosperity. 

Outsider Syndrome

It starts during a conversation with someone who knows me well.  We banter back and forth and share stories. There is amusement and mirth. Then I share something I felt safe sharing or run too long with kidding around, and there’s a disconnect. We’ve stepped out of sync for a moment. Typically, these things happen and nothing comes of it. But I see a look of not recognizing on her face and I know that it’s starting. 

I’ve already begun distancing myself from people, to shield them from the mood I am in when I feel drained and near distraught. 

I don’t know the people in my own life sometimes. There’s this detachment from feelings and a disconnection of my innate need for anyone.

Earlier tonight, I was looking into my eyes in the mirror, trying to recognize myself. I see this body, this face, and I don’t see anyone I know. But the eyes don’t lie. This is me. 

It feels as though I change so fast that I can never quite get comfortable with where I am. Whether that’s in school, career, or enlightenment…the farther I go, the more I lose grounding here in consensual reality. I start living in my own head. 

While the process is strange, it is familiar. There’s a sadness, like saying goodbye to a friend I may never see again.  

And now, I just do what I do, while these changes unfold. 

Letting Go

Over the past few years, I’ve been letting go of a lot of ideas. I let go of the idea of marriage, of what gender is or isn’t, and of the idea that I need to go to graduate school. 

I am finding that more opportunities have come up since I’ve cast aside what should or shouldn’t be and just see things as they are. 

I pay more attention. For example, I have been noticing more body sensations lately. This is highly unusual for me since I am often very distant from my body. However, I’ve been listening to my body more. I see how dietary choices and being more active affects me. I’ve even dropped two pant sizes over the past few months from making better decisions. 

I’ve also noticed that the more I interact with people, the more I feel I must be away from everyone. As an introvert, I am depleted from being around people and I recharge when I am alone. 

There’s this detached compassion: I want to be well and I want others to be well. I help as I am able, but I don’t waste my time with people who aren’t receptive to it. 

There’s this feeling, like I don’t need to be here any more. There’s no need for material things or people–I’d rather be some celestial being drifting through space and time.  I don’t feel compelled to flee my existence any more. 

By letting go of all of these things, I’ve accepted exactly who, how, where, when, what, and why I am. I feel at peace with everything which I am a part of. 

Further more, I am gaining more understanding of my own suffering and even acknowledge the necessity of it in developing who I am. 

Guess we’ll see what happens next. 

Dissociation as Disownment

Dissociation as Disownment

I’ve always had trouble looking in the mirror, literally, not metaphorically. 

When I was a child, I did not recognize the person in the mirror. I denied that the person in photographs was me. I looked nothing how I felt inside and I couldn’t accept that was my body. 

The way this manifests has changed over the years. I’ve felt completely wrong in gender, in weight, in age, and so on, and I think it is a complex coping mechanism. 

By not recognizing my body as my own, I’m not owning the things that happened to it. If I dissociate from the pain of the body by rejecting the body, I am protecting myself from the violence that happened to it…to me. 

DID and Relationships

Sometimes I wonder how much of myself I can actually share with my partner. I told her I have DID and I’ve explained some things, but I don’t want to overshare. 

Having DID is like having relationships with myself in some ways. I have to think about what other selves want and don’t want, what is safe, what is good for me as a whole, what triggers different aspects of myself. 

It gets confusing just being me and I don’t want to mix anyone up about me. I also don’t like the idea of someone being able to access other parts of me. That feels personal, like it’s just for me. On the other hand, perhaps those other versions of myself want to interact with people too. 

Since I’ve been trying to just relax and admit that I really don’t have as much control as I thought, I’ve become more aware. Aware in the sense that I recognize when I’ve been gone now. Aware of getting things done, and processing certain memories. 

The more I let go, the more I’m getting a handle on things, even though I feel like my life is out of control. It’s hard to explain, but I think maybe that’s just how life is. I have to let go and see what happens next. 

I’ll ask her if she wants to be kept in the loop of my going ons, or if that would be weird. I don’t understand external relationships nearly to the extent as I do my internal ones. I don’t even know if it matters or if she would want to know such things. 

Learning About Myselves

I’ve become aware of how much time I’m losing (rather than shrugging things off, I acknowledge that I am missing entire conversations, events, hours, even days at a time, on a regular basis). 

It’s really sunk in to start leaving notes for myself. So now, I find clues as to what I do and sometimes what I’ve been thinking about–which is good news for me. There have been so many times when I have zoned out and when I come back, I feel sad, scared, upset, or occasionally very happy (like a child), but I could never remember how I got to the point of feeling how I felt. 

I’ve been reading these notes I leave for myself and they tell a story. A story about a teenager who walked away from one side of the family, and then buried the pain and loss of it. These notes tell me that I didn’t know better, not to beat myself up over it, and to reach out and see if things can be mended. 

These aren’t the notes of someone who is crazy or broken. These are the notes of someone who has gained insight and wants to love people in their life.