I found this post from a few weeks back that I didn’t publish. I’m a bit further along now, but it still pertains:
When growing up as the family scapegoat, it is difficult to discern what is true about the self.
Am I worthless? Am I crazy? Am I just some single mom’s sob story to get a roof over our heads? I am so jaded.
Lately, I’ve been putting myself more out there into the world. Every interaction is met with self-doubt. I always think I’ve done something wrong, but then I get called to come back. I get recommended to other people and some of these people open their hearts to me.
It blows my mind every single time I feel a connection to another human being. It is wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
I have been acknowledging my own doubts and finding evidence that I in fact do matter to some people. It’s really difficult to accept that truth as myself.
I continue to put trust into just being myself around people, without letting the fear of judgment stop me. This is nerve wrecking and I know it doesn’t have to be. I just need to let go of my family’s idea of me: the idea that has fed into this negative self image for my entire life.