As you know, I struggle with a self concept to the point of just not identifying as anyone much of the time.
Last night, I spooked myself. I was in the bathroom at the sink and put my hand on the back of my head. When I didn’t feel my ponytail (I have had short hair for about 4 years now) I panicked. I felt around my hair for about a second and then looked in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself at all. I felt really scared and didn’t understand what was happening. Then I recognized the fear in my eyes as what I was experiencing at that moment and calmed down because that confirmed the person in the mirror was actually me.
Things like that just suddenly occur sometimes. I’ll look down at my arm and panic because it doesn’t look like my arm.
Sometimes I’m able to ground myself, but usually…it’s hard to explain. It’s not exactly a blackout. I seem aware at the time of what I am doing, but then there’s this waking up feeling. You know how you wake up from a dream? Sometimes you know you were dreaming and it was really vivid and involved, but you just can’t remember anything about it. That’s what it’s like for me, except I was awake the whole time.
Dissociation is real and it has a huge impact on my every day life.