Anytime I take a step forward, I knock myself back with thoughts such as “I’m broken” and “I can’t picture things getting better”.
Self-sabotage, introjects, resistance to change…the reason doesn’t matter since the end result is the same.
I feel like I don’t want to exist.
Lately, I’ve been reaching out to certain people and feeling like I’m saying goodbye. I keep thinking about how to end things with my girlfriend because I think I’m shitty for being in a relationship when I feel this way. I tear up when I think about the graduation party for my cousins because I get the feeling this is my last family gathering.
I don’t think I’m going to attempt anything like suicide, but I just get the feeling I’ll be disappearing for a while. Maybe it’s ego death. Maybe I’m running away. All I know is I can’t stay here, not like this. I need to leave.
What am I leaving? I guess I just want to leave this shell of a life. For what? There are no guarantees in life. My problems are as much internal as they are external, and leaving my life doesn’t mean things will get better. I suppose what I need is some sort of major change, of environment.
I need to be some place where I feel safe to excel. I don’t know what that entails. I just know it doesn’t include my family.