As a human being, it is my duty to pass on knowledge to other human beings before I pass on. Since I have no siblings and will never have children, I have decided to compile tidbits of wisdom from life experience as a gift to my cousin who is ten years younger than me and graduating from college next week.
I have this peaceful feeling about passing it on.
I want to tell him things that would have made my life easier if I had known at a younger age. I want him to know he is loved and that he can find peace, even in the darkest times. He struggles too.
The other component to this is I’ve been looking into alternative lifestyles. Living abroad, working a farm, just being a vagabond. I also still get hit with strong urges to end my life. I don’t know what is in store for me, but I do know that the way I’ve been living is unsustainable as far as my wellbeing goes.
I think it is proper to be there for my cousin when he graduates and to give him that compilation, to end things on a happy note before I disappear.
There’s a sadness in my soul and a stillness in my heart–and feeling like I’ve been holding my breath for an eternity.
I need to let go. I need to breathe.