Introverts know what I mean when I say “man on the mountain top.” For me, it’s about being in a clear space, on my own, whereupon I may observe, reflect, and contemplate.
I’m looking at social situations right now, meaning: interactions with friends and family. I’ve been avoidant for the most part. I don’t like relationships because they seem complicated to me. Let’s say, two people who are friends who both know me, probe me about their relationship or about how one handles things. I can be honest and not say anything that I could not own up to, or I can explain that I don’t think they should be asking me for input.
In family situations, I tend take the latter path and where friends are involved, the former. I don’t like to say things that can hurt, but I don’t like seeing the distress caused by something that can be resolved. I choose my words carefully as I a deliver an observation to help them find clarity. Later, I deal with some of the fallout. That’s how life goes, right? Live a lie or deal with the truth.
I have trouble feeling close to anyone, because I’ve seen so many deceptions between people as I was growing up. I make no assumptions: I don’t assume someone loves me or values me, because I know it’s often just a matter of convenience. When someone acts lovingly toward me, I take it at face value and enjoy the moment, because who knows when I’ll get to experience it again. Once the moment is over, I let go of the idea that it’s real or everlasting.
Other people, I just see in a negative light. I’ll see someone’s true colors in how they treat someone else, and I lose all interest in getting to know them more or spend time with them.
I basically categorize people and then don’t want to deal with people in the categories. I don’t know how else to explain it. I share time with a very few people and really only enjoy some of that time. I can get along with just about anyone, as I am a social chameleon, but there are very few people I actually want to be around.
Lately, I’ve been feeling stressed in that I have hardly any actual alone time. There’s almost always someone at the house and every where I go, there are other people. It’s not enough for me to be in my room with the door closed. I don’t want to hear anyone else walking around or watching television. I want to be able to lay back, relax, and know that I have the place all to myself–no interruptions, no intrusion, no sudden sounds to startle me.