A lot of survivors of rape are disconnected from their bodies. It might show up as a body dysphoria or self-injurious behavior, or outright dissociation.
The body is the scene of the crime and to feel at home in the body is to also accept the terror and pain.
Yet, rejection of the body leads to a different kind of agony.
I’ve been dissociating lately. I’ll be very aware of what I’m doing or thinking, then get this feeling like I’m waking up and I’m not quite sure where I am. I know that I was just doing something, but it’s been purged out of my mind, which leaves a gap. I lose hours worth, sometimes days worth, of whatever I was doing.