The latest from therapy is that I need to connect my fear to the memories which generated this deep fear to begin with.
This is difficult for me, because it isn’t as though there is one single event that made me this way. And further more, many of my memories are choppy and just flashes of things I don’t really understand.
However, I believe I may have traced back my first urge to die–this is big, because I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was around 5 years old.
There is this moment of time, a part of me feels trapped in it, where the perpetrator locks eyes with me. I’ m trying to look away, but I can’t. His eyes are pulling me in, and it feels like he’s devouring my soul. It was that moment, when I felt like my soul was dying, I experienced my first urge to die.