Today, I decided to go through a small trinket box that had some cards in it. Business cards of people I have met, key cards for places I’ve stayed, reward cards, even a ticket stub to a concert and a receipt having to do with my wedding, six years ago.
I honestly don’t remember the concert, but I know it is something I would go see and that I was probably there with my ex. It bothers me a bit that I don’t remember things that ought to stick out. I have a key card for a ritzy hotel in NYC in there. I remember it, but I haven’t thought about it in years, until I saw the card.
I went through each business card and smiled, thinking of interactions with these people, thinking, “that was me.” Those people don’t know who I am any more. I disappeared, like I always do. I even changed my name and my lifestyle. Very few people from the past know me today.
It’s so strange to look back and remember that I was married and that people might remember the old me, when I barely even remember myself.
Even back then, I didn’t feel like anyone. I thought I knew what I wanted and I went for it. I went to school and earned my BA. I worked hard and the professors all wanted me to be their research assistant. The Astrophysics teacher even said I ought to consider physics as a major. I did great and felt maybe I was going somewhere, then I kind of just faded away. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t, and I just lost my way. Maybe I really am no one. I don’t know anymore. I’m not even sure that it matters.
I feel very stuck in life, and very lost with who I am and what I want.