The things that I have experienced early in life have left me feeling disconnected from my own life. I hesitate to look in the mirror, because all I see is a shade of the person I once was. There’s no resemblance of anything any more.
I don’t understand how I can be so full of hurt and still feel void at the same time. Maybe it’s some sort of resistance to change because I have been living in fear for so long.
The components of my life now seem to be: 1. Fear. I’m in constant fight / flight/ freeze mode which is draining. It affects my ability to sleep and to relax enough to enjoy myself. 2. Love. I think I have love for my partner, but I feel disconnected. 3. Thinking. I’ve been processing thoughts and feelings nonstop. I’m unraveling who I am so I can build myself back up with a better foundation. 4. Stuckness. Been feeling stuck in life and with my progress. I have trouble sticking with plans, especially ones that involve years of time.
I’m taking things one day at a time. I’m trying to maintain some semblance of order through maintaining certain social connections and trying a different approach to my situation (namely, not judging myself or shaming myself).
I am surviving so far by living out of the suitcase most of the time. It’s nice to be able to crash on couches, but at the same time, relying on others causes me distress.
What am I even doing with my life? I’m tired of just surviving. I want to thrive and this existence feels like it’s killing my soul. So back to square one. Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? This just isn’t cutting it any more.