There’s this sense that people are volatile and dangerous. This nagging feeling that people say one thing and do another that leaves me unable to connect. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment and actually enjoy a momentary connection to another human being. I am lucky in that I have met a few people along my journey who cared enough to pause, and to share insight with me during some trying times.
It amazes me how many people there are and how few I really get to know and love. I hold these people close to my heart, though we often part ways after many wonderful conversations over a few months time. Two sentient beings who recognize each other, and share with each, along our paths.
The rest of the time, I tend to feel very disconnected. I have no interest in small talk and no patience for rudeness and ignorance. It’s like I’m in my own flow of things and other people either have a similar flow or my flow jams up.
Some may call this irritability, but to me, it is a simple matter of being hyper aware of my own “being”, “essence”, “understanding of the world”, “rhythm”, or whatever you may call it, and I notice how everything effects everything else. When I feel this way, I am just in observer mode, so anyone asking for my attention is diverting me of my task to observe.
Other times, I don’t understand what is going on around me. I start to not understand the words being said to me in a conversation, so I just try to feel the conversation based on tone, expressions, and body language. Then I just mimick whoever is doing the talking. If they smile, I smile, etc. It’s a weird feeling because I’m trying not to get caught being so lost, but at the same time, I’m being calm and present, despite my inability to understand. I wonder if this is a preverbal type of awareness that comes forth? It is some sort of dissociation.
Then there is the fear component when I’m in a group of people. I just get quiet and my muscles feel tight. I usually feel strain throughout my core, neck, and pelvis / hips. It makes me lose my appetite and often times I get tense to the point of throwing up.