This is an anonymous blog tracking my deepest inner workings as I voyage from travesty to living life fully. Rather than give a diagnosis, I’ll simply explain somethings plainly so you can form your own thoughts–rather than the prejudgment that comes with labels.
I had an abusive early childhood, which led to a lot of isolation, feelings of powerlessness and terror, fear of death, the inability to trust people, and so forth.
When I could no longer handle my living situation, my mother had me institutionalized and drugged for mood disorders from age 13 – 18. Between the early mistreatment and the years of collective hospitalizations throughout my adolescence, I simply do not have life skills. I know how to survive around addicts and patients, and that’s about it. I am building myself up slowly so I can just live my life.
Then there are the manifestations of having a traumatic life…
Everyone has an inner monologue. It’s that voice that speaks your thoughts in your mind. It’s your voice, your thoughts. Well, mine is a dialogue. They are all my voices and all my thoughts. This is actually different than the auditory hallucination of hearing voices. For example, one voice might be the philosophical version of myself and another might be the angsty teenage version of myself, but they are both me.
The gold standard in neuroscience is the Multiple Self Theory. When human beings are developing in childhood, the personality is still forming. There are different versions of yourself that you are experimenting with, learning what is socially acceptable, what is praised, what is frowned upon, and so forth. As a child gets older, these learned acceptable behaviors congeal into a mostly solid-state personality. Or rather, it is a very smooth and unnoticeable transition between selves and a person can clearly identify who they are at any given time because they have a solid self-construct. An example in adult life is that you are a different self around your boss than when you are with your best friend.
When trauma occurs during early childhood, especially repeated trauma, these different selves can remain compartmentalized. Maybe one self handles certain situations to protect the whole of the person. The child may even have restricted access to memories and knowledge in order to survive.
At any rate, I have multiple versions of myself and never quite developed a strong self-construct. I don’t know who I am or what I want. Names don’t feel right to me, nor does gender.
So here I am, all grown up. A child who fell through the cracks in the system. I managed to get a bachelor’s degree while working on and off for ten years and living in subsidized housing that I got dumped into after I turned 18. I’ve never really had the chance to recover from my childhood and adolescence because I’ve just been traveling laterally from one poor living condition to another.
I initiate therapy sessions between my different selves to get to the root of issues. I also use cannabis to ease the intensity of my feelings and calm myself. Both of these actions help me to turn inward and work on myself without judgment and without fear.
This blog exists solely as an outlet and so I have something I can look back on to see my own progress. I have also found that as I work on myself, I am wanting to stand up against injustice in society.
I call my collection of observations and thoughts “The Daedalus”. This ship will carry me safe to shore.